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  • Malia Humphries-Do


I have a love-hate relationship with the Holton stairs. Well, mostly one of hate. Holton stairs are tiring, crowded, more tiring. There’s a reason why an entire episode of “he Office” is dedicated to Stairmageddon. Their only purpose is to get us from class to class — and that’s kind of a lose-lose situation. Sometimes I’d much rather just not go to class at all. And, once I get there, I’m so winded from going up the stairs. I don’t have the mental capacity to do anything but complain about the stairs, a state that probably isn’t conducive to the learning process. Also, as a spatially challenged person, I find myself getting lost going up them. Ignore the fact that I’ve gone up and down those stairs way too many times. I swear sometimes I end up in a completely different place from where I expected. It always feels like there are too many staircases at Holton and yet not enough. But, not all staircases are created equal. Some are, in fact, more equal than others. So now here (probably not a comprehensive guide since I’ve probably forgotten a few) are the ins and outs to the Holton staircases.

  1. OUT: The science/English classroom staircase is the bane of my existence. Going up it in the morning is physically impossible. The entire school congregates in that one staircase. I don’t want to see that many people in the morning. I don’t want to see people at all. And once you’re on the staircase, you’ve committed — there’s no way of ever going down it. Believe me, I’ve tried. 

  2. OUT: That one next to the elevator and the art hallway. It’s okay and nowhere near as bad as the science/English classroom staircase, but at the end of the day it’s still three flights of stairs. I. Don’t. Like. Stairs. 

  3. IN/OUT (some mixed feelings here): The library staircase. I miss it so much. I’m pretty sure it was wider than the other ones. And, didn’t it have windows? I don’t even remember anymore. I also have some very fond memories of that staircase since it was near my math classroom, so whenever I was on it I could reminisce about not finishing my math tests! Definitely a highlight in the staircase world. But now that it’s abandoned me in my hour of stair need, it’s dead to me. 

  4. IN: The front lobby staircase. It’s okay. Plus, it’s close to the dining room. It’s also nice and wide, so I’m never afraid of running into people on it.

  5. IN: That weird staircase next to the dining room. I feel like nobody uses it, so it doesn’t really deserve any hate. Plus, it isn’t really near any classes, so it’s not like I ever have to run up and down it. 

  6. IN: The spiral staircase from Drawing and Painting to Ceramics is probably my favorite. I wish all of our staircases were like that. Just one story, nice and spirally, good views (shoutout to all the Drawing and Painting people). It’s definitely a staircase I’d recommend visiting. A hidden gem in the Holton staircase community. 

But, to get back to my main point: at the end of the day, all Holton stairs are “out.” But that doesn’t mean they have to stay that way. Now, Holton: there’s a clear solution to this problem — close off all the stairs! Then I can just hate the elevators. 

[Image via SKA Studio]



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