This Week’s Unexciting News!
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Bethesda, MD -- In the Early Weeks of February, the weather feels frigid. Tights are an option. Leggings are allowed. However, all Holton students really long for is the right to feel the comfort of their warm, fuzzy sweatpants underneath their plaid skirts. After weeks of infringement of their sweatpant rights, the students decided to report this atrocity to the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights (UNHCHR). The students identified with the UNHCHR’s mission of “freedom, justice, and peace.” According to the UN’s Declaration of Human Rights, sweatpants are “for all of us, all the time: whoever we are and wherever we are from.” The students hope that reporting the violation will force everyone (including the Holton-Arms authorities) to realize the important place that sweatpants occupy in the students’ daily lives and hearts.
The organizers of the publicizing effort released this quote by Franklin D. Roosevelt to further remind us of the daily struggle the students face:
“Freedom means the supremacy of [sweatpant] rights everywhere. Our support goes to those who struggle to gain those rights or keep them. Our strength is our unity of purpose. To that high concept there can be no end save victory.”
The Potato has contacted the High Commissioner for Human Rights for comment, but the office has yet to reply.
DISCLAIMER: This article is purely the journalistic styling of Eden Halpert and Lily Schmandt. Roosevelt did not actually say “sweatpants,” but we believe that it can be inferred that they were what he was referring to.